maybe someday somebody will read this blog (or this post, because maybe i will never write more than this) and think, "hey, i'm not crazy! she thinks that way too." or: "hey, i am crazy. but at least i'm not alone." or, at the very least: "i am not crazy because this person right here is deeply insane."
but the real reason i'm writing this is because when i'm allowing a panic attack to run its course (not fighting it -- you're not supposed to fight them, i learned in $600 worth of cognitive behavioral therapy (so far, yes, double parenthesis) -- so i'm "not fighting them"), it seems to help to text someone about it. but since panics happen whenever the hell they want to because panic attacks are total assholes and since unloading all of the nonsense my anxiety pumps into my brain on whoever (whomever? ugh) will listen seems a liiiiiittle self-absorbed, i'm blogging about it. i'm blogging about it? i'm blogging about it. ok.
right now i am eating skinny pop directly out of the costco-size bag, which is a lot bigger than my 32 week old child. (haha. 7.5 months. i won't do that to you.) depending on who you are or what mood you are in, the enormity of this bag either invites you to politely portion out an appropriate serving size in a bowl...OR! OR OR OR: to just shove your hand in there up to your armpit repeatedly as you scoop out fistfuls and fistfuls of popcorn, not caring that it mostly goes everywhere but your mouth and whilst your husband is giving you the gentlest of side-eyes. "if you ate anything else the way you eat popcorn..." he starts. i love him so much. that isn't sarcasm -- he is on this bizarre panic disorder "journey" (ew) with me as my ride-or-die and he's just the best. ANYWAY, i am eating an obscene amount of skinny pop right now because it feels like a "safe" food and i lost my appetite halfway through the real dinner i made.
what is a "safe" food? "safe" from what? who deems it "safe"? (if you keep typing the word safe like that it starts to look really weird. do you ever pretend to be someone who doesn't know english and get super weirded out looking at our language/listening to it? i obviously don't...) plain and bland popcorn seems like something that won't make you feel sick. (nb: anything in absurd quantities will make you feel sick. but whatever.) it doesn't strike me as something that could give you food poisoning. it's just made in a factory somewhere. the ingredients are simple and few and they're foods that don't often get featured on the news because they've been recalled due to bacterial contamination. that i know of. nobody else (who could be sick with a virus) needs to touch the popcorn between its preparation and its packaging and all the things it has to do to get to this spot next to me on the couch. please just let me think this.
foods that haven't felt safe recently:
-chicken salad i made and that i convinced myself i "food-poisoned." because, a few hours after i made it, i had some very gross symptoms due to drinking too much kombucha earlier in the day on an empty stomach. but -- i wasn't positive that the kombucha was the culprit until 1. i thought about how my husband and our baby didn't get sick (because they would have if i had some contagious stomach virus, especially because the baby and i basically share a body) and 2. my husband ate the chicken salad i allegedly poisoned and didn't get sick afterwards. even despite all of these things, i was paranoid for about 12 hours after eating it for lunch.
-what i ate at our delicious wedding anniversary dinner at a nice restaurant in downtown cleveland. i recently read that a bunch of people got norovirus after eating at the kirtland country club over mother's day weekend. something about a bunch of wealthy people eating a fancy brunch at a lovely establishment that i'm sure pays great attention to food safety regulations (yes i know that this is somehow classist) still getting sick really messed with me. it's easier to think that it's just a gross late night taco bell run that earns you food poisoning, you know? anyway. our dinner was amazing but i still spent at least 10 minutes scattered throughout the meal thinking about food poisoning. i did have the thought "places with celebrity chefs couldn't give you food poisoning because they have reputations to uphold!" and i realize that that makes very little sense, ok? but it comforted me at the time. jonathon sawyer wouldn't let me get food-borne illness, you guys. he has too much on the line. (fun fact: i used to work at a juice bar that he frequented and he is profoundly cool and nice. he also rides a scooter and it's great.)
-cupcakes i baked in my own damn kitchen. because of the raw eggs, i guess. panicking about food poisoning has almost entirely ruined my love for raw batter. i have been known to bake brownies just so i can lick the spatula (after accidentally leaving way too much in the bowl that i simply "can't get to") and now that's just ruined. screw that. no, fuck that.
-actually just all chicken ever. and most meats. except not deli meats. i eat a turkey sandwich almost every day.
january harshe (who is a fascinating human, especially if you are a new mom. i highly recommend her instagram accounts - especially @takebackpostpartum. she is real, whether you agree with her or not) has some very cool tattoos. my favorite one says "anxiety is a liar." ANXIETY IS A LIAR, YOU GUYS. AN M-ER F-ING LIAR. here is a list (that is nowhere near exhaustive, damnit damnit damnit) of things anxiety has lied to me about recently:
-chef jonathon sawyer has (even a modicum of) control over your digestive processes.
-you need to ingest apple cider vinegar/activated charcoal/probiotics/woo-woo white girl nonsense supplement number 349857234 because maybe it will save you from contracting illness. maybe even look into essential oils. you need essential oils. and adaptogens! go buy some.
-lol, those won't save you. you've probably got some kind of virus incubating in you right this very moment.
-but while you wait for your disease to kick in, online shopping will solve all your problems. you need a fourth patagonia jacket. it's ok because it's on sale.
-if you write reminders to yourself to sweep and mop your floors every 2 weeks on your calendar, you'll manage to actually do it.
-and having clean floors is key to being a good mother and a good human. essential. e-effing-ssential.
-you cannot parent if you don't feel good.
-you will get sick and be unable to take care of your baby and he or you or both of you will somehow die.
-in fact, your health reflects upon how good of a parent you are. if you get sick, you failed. you failing failure failface.
here is one reason that anxiety is a liar:
-regardless of its cause (kombucha, was that you?), last week an illness left me with 18 hours of chills, stomach cramps, exhaustion, and other gross things we don't need to talk about. so you know what i did? i sat and breastfed my son with a bucket in front of me. just in case i had to vom. wasn't quite sure what i was going to do with the baby on my boob if the urge struck, but i got through it. my son didn't go hungry. he wasn't neglected. he was like beyond 100% fine and had no idea anything remotely weird was going on. i still heard him when he woke up in the middle of the night and i was still able to comfort him and rock him back to sleep. and he loved me just as much as he always does -- which is just an insane amount of love. and nobody effing died.
-also that patagonia jacket makes me look like a bowl of oatmeal in a wig. it's super soft and cozy though so obviously i'm keeping it.
there is so much to unpack when it comes to my relationship with food and health. especially when it comes to this bizarre new condition (the panic attacks, not the anxiety -- anxiety is something that has always been a part of who i am) that somehow links the status of my health with how well i parent. i understand more of it than i am letting on, but i still have a long way to go. here's hoping i can keep writing about it here. bye for now.
but the real reason i'm writing this is because when i'm allowing a panic attack to run its course (not fighting it -- you're not supposed to fight them, i learned in $600 worth of cognitive behavioral therapy (so far, yes, double parenthesis) -- so i'm "not fighting them"), it seems to help to text someone about it. but since panics happen whenever the hell they want to because panic attacks are total assholes and since unloading all of the nonsense my anxiety pumps into my brain on whoever (whomever? ugh) will listen seems a liiiiiittle self-absorbed, i'm blogging about it. i'm blogging about it? i'm blogging about it. ok.
right now i am eating skinny pop directly out of the costco-size bag, which is a lot bigger than my 32 week old child. (haha. 7.5 months. i won't do that to you.) depending on who you are or what mood you are in, the enormity of this bag either invites you to politely portion out an appropriate serving size in a bowl...OR! OR OR OR: to just shove your hand in there up to your armpit repeatedly as you scoop out fistfuls and fistfuls of popcorn, not caring that it mostly goes everywhere but your mouth and whilst your husband is giving you the gentlest of side-eyes. "if you ate anything else the way you eat popcorn..." he starts. i love him so much. that isn't sarcasm -- he is on this bizarre panic disorder "journey" (ew) with me as my ride-or-die and he's just the best. ANYWAY, i am eating an obscene amount of skinny pop right now because it feels like a "safe" food and i lost my appetite halfway through the real dinner i made.
what is a "safe" food? "safe" from what? who deems it "safe"? (if you keep typing the word safe like that it starts to look really weird. do you ever pretend to be someone who doesn't know english and get super weirded out looking at our language/listening to it? i obviously don't...) plain and bland popcorn seems like something that won't make you feel sick. (nb: anything in absurd quantities will make you feel sick. but whatever.) it doesn't strike me as something that could give you food poisoning. it's just made in a factory somewhere. the ingredients are simple and few and they're foods that don't often get featured on the news because they've been recalled due to bacterial contamination. that i know of. nobody else (who could be sick with a virus) needs to touch the popcorn between its preparation and its packaging and all the things it has to do to get to this spot next to me on the couch. please just let me think this.
foods that haven't felt safe recently:
-chicken salad i made and that i convinced myself i "food-poisoned." because, a few hours after i made it, i had some very gross symptoms due to drinking too much kombucha earlier in the day on an empty stomach. but -- i wasn't positive that the kombucha was the culprit until 1. i thought about how my husband and our baby didn't get sick (because they would have if i had some contagious stomach virus, especially because the baby and i basically share a body) and 2. my husband ate the chicken salad i allegedly poisoned and didn't get sick afterwards. even despite all of these things, i was paranoid for about 12 hours after eating it for lunch.
-what i ate at our delicious wedding anniversary dinner at a nice restaurant in downtown cleveland. i recently read that a bunch of people got norovirus after eating at the kirtland country club over mother's day weekend. something about a bunch of wealthy people eating a fancy brunch at a lovely establishment that i'm sure pays great attention to food safety regulations (yes i know that this is somehow classist) still getting sick really messed with me. it's easier to think that it's just a gross late night taco bell run that earns you food poisoning, you know? anyway. our dinner was amazing but i still spent at least 10 minutes scattered throughout the meal thinking about food poisoning. i did have the thought "places with celebrity chefs couldn't give you food poisoning because they have reputations to uphold!" and i realize that that makes very little sense, ok? but it comforted me at the time. jonathon sawyer wouldn't let me get food-borne illness, you guys. he has too much on the line. (fun fact: i used to work at a juice bar that he frequented and he is profoundly cool and nice. he also rides a scooter and it's great.)
-cupcakes i baked in my own damn kitchen. because of the raw eggs, i guess. panicking about food poisoning has almost entirely ruined my love for raw batter. i have been known to bake brownies just so i can lick the spatula (after accidentally leaving way too much in the bowl that i simply "can't get to") and now that's just ruined. screw that. no, fuck that.
-actually just all chicken ever. and most meats. except not deli meats. i eat a turkey sandwich almost every day.
january harshe (who is a fascinating human, especially if you are a new mom. i highly recommend her instagram accounts - especially @takebackpostpartum. she is real, whether you agree with her or not) has some very cool tattoos. my favorite one says "anxiety is a liar." ANXIETY IS A LIAR, YOU GUYS. AN M-ER F-ING LIAR. here is a list (that is nowhere near exhaustive, damnit damnit damnit) of things anxiety has lied to me about recently:
-chef jonathon sawyer has (even a modicum of) control over your digestive processes.
-you need to ingest apple cider vinegar/activated charcoal/probiotics/woo-woo white girl nonsense supplement number 349857234 because maybe it will save you from contracting illness. maybe even look into essential oils. you need essential oils. and adaptogens! go buy some.
-lol, those won't save you. you've probably got some kind of virus incubating in you right this very moment.
-but while you wait for your disease to kick in, online shopping will solve all your problems. you need a fourth patagonia jacket. it's ok because it's on sale.
-if you write reminders to yourself to sweep and mop your floors every 2 weeks on your calendar, you'll manage to actually do it.
-and having clean floors is key to being a good mother and a good human. essential. e-effing-ssential.
-you cannot parent if you don't feel good.
-you will get sick and be unable to take care of your baby and he or you or both of you will somehow die.
-in fact, your health reflects upon how good of a parent you are. if you get sick, you failed. you failing failure failface.
here is one reason that anxiety is a liar:
-regardless of its cause (kombucha, was that you?), last week an illness left me with 18 hours of chills, stomach cramps, exhaustion, and other gross things we don't need to talk about. so you know what i did? i sat and breastfed my son with a bucket in front of me. just in case i had to vom. wasn't quite sure what i was going to do with the baby on my boob if the urge struck, but i got through it. my son didn't go hungry. he wasn't neglected. he was like beyond 100% fine and had no idea anything remotely weird was going on. i still heard him when he woke up in the middle of the night and i was still able to comfort him and rock him back to sleep. and he loved me just as much as he always does -- which is just an insane amount of love. and nobody effing died.
-also that patagonia jacket makes me look like a bowl of oatmeal in a wig. it's super soft and cozy though so obviously i'm keeping it.
there is so much to unpack when it comes to my relationship with food and health. especially when it comes to this bizarre new condition (the panic attacks, not the anxiety -- anxiety is something that has always been a part of who i am) that somehow links the status of my health with how well i parent. i understand more of it than i am letting on, but i still have a long way to go. here's hoping i can keep writing about it here. bye for now.
You're awesome. I love you. keep writing here. moms need this. The first time I got a stomach bug, M was probably around your babe's age and I thought we both would die. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYOU'RE awesome. love you girl. thanks for this.
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