this is where i write about my anxiety

my therapist (the talk one, not the cognitive behavioral one) suggested that i "go right up to the edge" when a panic attack seems to be coming on. i don't really know what this means, so i'm just going to type what's going on. sooo. here i am, at the edge. the panic edge. things i've done so far, edge-wise, to take care of myself:  - taking rescue pearls (worth trying. natural stuff from whole foods. it's like a bunch of flower oils or something, i don't know. clematis is a flower, right? anyway, i used them a lot in grad school. before i knew the wonders of concerta . but you can't take concerta while breastfeeding because it's basically meth and babies don't like meth. side note: recently i was lucky enough to eavesdrop as someone tried to tell my cousin's wife -- she is a pediatrician -- how marijuana can be beneficial in childbirth. she had to explain that babies and weed don't mix. who knew, guys? who. knew.) - calmin...

maybe someday somebody will read this blog (or this post, because maybe i will never write more than this) and think, "hey, i'm not crazy! she thinks that way too." or: "hey, i am crazy. but at least i'm not alone." or, at the very least: " i am not crazy because this person right here is deeply insane ."  but the real reason i'm writing this is because when i'm allowing a panic attack to run its course (not fighting it -- you're not supposed to fight them, i learned in $600 worth of cognitive behavioral therapy (so far, yes, double parenthesis) -- so i'm "not fighting them"), it seems to help to text someone about it. but since panics happen whenever the hell they want to because panic attacks are total assholes  and since unloading all of the nonsense my anxiety pumps into my brain on whoever (whomever? ugh) will listen seems a liiiiiittle self-absorbed, i'm blogging about it. i'm blogging about it? i'm bl...